I never let myself down, it seems. I am consistently a logic-follower. Last night was an evening of releasing what feels like months worth of bottled-up emotions and trying to convince myself that bitterness & apathy was the path to take (and actually believed it to be true at the time). Today, I realize there is too many faults in my own emotion-driven reasoning. It’s official, I can’t live in denial… and no matter how much life and its truths may hurt at times, I will follow its path, rather than hiding or running away from it.
On that note, I think last night was the first time I have grieved for left/leaving friends. I think it was also the first time I allowed myself to experience transition.
A complex but interesting note about emotion versus reason.
- My heart grieved for the loss of friends but my head developed bitterness/apathy as a defence mechanism to prevent myself from feeling. And to justify this defence mechanism, my head connected a series of seemingly irrelevant events to create a web consisting of one theme: disappointment with God.
- My heart knew the truth of joy and hope (well, to be expected down the road) but my head told me that I had enough and I didn’t need any more pain or disappointments.
- My heart wanted to believe the truth spoken by friends but my head resisted knowing that it would lead to further pain and suffering.
But here’s the funny thing: I knew my behaviour was completely irrational and made no sense. Deep down, I knew the truth and what needed to be done but I just denied them to be true. In that sense, I was acting out fully based on my emotions.
So am I actually reason-driven or is reason just a defence mechanism? Am I emotional or is my defence mechanism an overly emotional response to life’s events (which oddly enough, I recognize to be completely irrational but go with it anyway)?
…Have I lost you yet?
I miss my 13-year-old self… who lived ever-so fearlessly without all these walls. I miss the freedom of living life without my heart so tightly and securely guarded.
I am becoming incredibly irritated with people lately… which I fear is a sign of me resorting back to my old self (or have I done that already?!). But as usual, my solution to this is to hide… I much prefer the solitude of my room than being around people to actually face tension / conflict. I actually feel much more comfortable being confined to the walls of my own room.
This is turning out to be quite the season of disappointments. I struggle to believe that God is with me always. I am tired of these responsibilities. I am tired of being challenged. I am tired of taking risks. I am left to wonder once again, what am I doing all this for?
Everyone has a story to tell.
We just have to take a little bit of time to listen.